The perfect relationship…?

Photo by Andrew Nicholson

Are you striving to seek the perfect partner for you, or are you in a relationship where you’re constantly wishing your partner were different, or more perfect? If so, then I’d like to share some tips with you on how to bring out the perfection in the people around you, particularly in your intimate relationship.

Firstly, it’s important to accept that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ person. Although there are definitely better matches for you, no one is perfect. It’s a pretty big burden to place on another human being too. We all have a positive side to our nature and we also have a negative side, which few of us like to admit. However, the simple fact is that unless someone has reached Sainthood, they will have the occasional bad day and annoying habit just like everyone else. Love is about accepting the whole of another person, not just the bits that suit you. It’s ultimately about learning to become more loving in the way that you perceive them.

The second important aspect to this, is to take some time to figure out what imperfections you take into a relationship.

And then ask yourself how you’d like your partner to perceive those imperfections. You see, so many of us are seeking perfection in another, whilst conveniently forgetting that we have imperfections ourselves. If you were with a partner who constantly pointed out your imperfections to you, how would you feel?  Would you stay in the relationship?

Ok, I’m going to stop using the word ‘perfect’ now, because we are actually all perfect as we are. Imperfection is in the eye of the beholder, so let’s take a moment to shift our perception and look within. It is from here that we have the power to create outwith…

You see, people generally rise up to meet you exactly as you’re perceiving them. By this I mean that people tend to behave the way they sense you’re expecting them to, but only in your company. It can be startling to realise we bring out the behaviour in those around us, however, it’s also very empowering to really understand that with a little love in our hearts, we have the ability to diffuse anger in another human being. So if everyone in your life is giving you trouble, then it’s definitely time to look within.

In your intimate relationship, if you’re generally focused on everything about your partner that annoys you, then there is little doubt that not only will they sense it, but that they will become more like that around you. To understand this fully, take a moment to think about the people in your life. Would you agree that each relationship, friendship and work colleague you’ve experienced until now has brought out a slightly different side to your nature?  Some brought out a better side, and others might have brought out the worst in you?  What was it about each of these people that created these responses from you?  Was it because you could often sense when someone else had a strong opinion of you before you’d even stood any chance of being yourself?  How did that leave you feeling?  Were you able to relax and be yourself in those situations?  Very difficult… yet, we’ve all done it, it’s just that we rarely even realise we are. So if you were to look within, how often would you say you impose your negative expectations on others, particularly your partner?

The simple fact is that the moment you make an assumption about someone else by expecting certain behaviour from them, you literally shift how they feel and behave around you. The more you point out what annoys you, the more you teach them that this is the behaviour you expect, and the more difficult it makes it for them to be anything other than exactly that around you.

I have discovered that the less judgement I make about another, the more freedom it gives them to be themselves in my company. If I then take it a step further, and choose to focus on everything I love about them, they sense this from my eyes, my energy and my behaviour and the more loving they become around me. I now realise without doubt that I create my relationships, intimate and otherwise. My relationships are a reflection of me.

This may sound very complicated, but in fact it’s really very simple. You have the power to bring out the very best  in people. Yes, of course there are exceptions to the rule as some people simply do not wish to be loving, but they are a small minority, and if you’re in an intimate relationship with someone like this, then I’d be inclined to ask why.

So let’s try this out… with your intimate partner, just try these few simple shifts in your behaviour, and see what you create:

  • Focus on only the best in your partner, and ensure that this shift is authentic within you. The more you practise it, the more authentic it becomes, because the shift occurs in you too. Your energy will begin to relax and it will show in your eyes, smile and body language.
  • Take the time to thank you partner for all the little things they do, from making you a cup of tea, to taking the rubbish out. When we are appreciated it really validates our place in our partner’s life, and makes us want to do more. Appreciation is vital, because without it, one will eventually give up and leave or feel silently resentful. If you are waiting for your partner to appreciate you first, then I would recommend that you become more of what you want to experience in your life. Become appreciative first, and it will be reflected back to you.
  • Take the time to do something special for your partner. You could make a romantic dinner for the two of you, offer them a massage, write them a note of everything you love about them, put your arms around them and say thank you, or simply send a text saying ‘Thank you for being in my life’.
  • The more loved and relaxed someone feels with you, the more time they want to spend with you. It’s really not rocket science. So ensure that your partner is greeted with a loving smile, loving eyes and loving words each time they see you.
  • If you need to speak with your partner to clear the air, ensure that you’re feeling calm before doing so. Words spoken in anger can never be taken back and take a long time to heal. So speak logically, clearly and calmly to your partner. Let them know exactly what you need without being demanding and critical.
  • Think about how you speak to your partner. If you’re holding on to past bitterness and resentment there will be a tone to your voice that will reflect this. Go to the gym and have a boxing session to release any pent up anger you many have, and then speak to your partner in a loving way. This means NO criticism. If you want to see the worst side of your partner’s nature, then criticise them – it’s guaranteed, time and time again. After all, think about how you feel when you’re criticised.
  • Flirt with your partner as much as possible! Flirting is a whole body experience and just a simple look, smile, eye contact, touch can make all the difference to keeping your relationship alive.

As Ghandi said – You have to be the change you wish to see in the world…

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