Why Men Don’t Step Up for Women

 

8167492832_3a028f6063_o (2)

Photo by Andrew Nicholson

Ladies,  you know how it feels when you’re around a man who is so healthily in his masculine that it makes you go weak at the knees? It’s incredibly sexy, and creates a very powerful polarity between the two energies… most women feel swept off their feet when they experience this.

Some women will be lucky enough to have a partner who is like this, and others may experience it very briefly in their daily interactions with men. What if luck actually had very little to do with it? What if every woman could experience this in a deeply intimate relationship?

Because I truly believe they can…

I’m going to let you in to a little secret. Well, it’s not so little… and it’s not a secret, it’s just that so many incredible women seem to have chosen to forget something very powerful.

You see, the very same woman who notices just how good she feels, and how femininely vulnerable she becomes, when she is in the presence of a healthily masculine male, seems to have forgotten that it works the other way around too. Men automatically step into their masculine when they are around a healthily feminine woman who inspires them.

Let’s face it. Ladies, you’ve all been around men who either bring out the best or worst in you, right? So why do we forget that we bring out either the best or worst in the men we’re around too, rather than getting angry and blaming them?

I’ve seen some really scathing things written about men lately, and it breaks my heart to see men having their power taken from them in this way, and women angrily giving away one of the greatest powers they have, quite willingly. Is it any wonder that some men will run and find a woman who does make him feel like a man?

The very worst thing a woman can do is to criticise a man for not being masculine enough.

IMG_4792

Photo by Andrew Nicholson

It is a woman’s journey into femininity to take him on the most exhilarating ride into his masculinity… to awaken him, to believe in him, to inspire him to be the very best man he can be. Just as it’s his journey to teach her about her femininity, and to awaken her into being the best woman she can be. If a man is not behaving ‘grown up’ in his relationships – it’s because he’s not been around a woman who has inspired him enough to want to be. He may not have experienced good role models for this either.

I have played a fundamental part in my husband’s awakening and growing up. I am honoured to have been the woman he chose to grow up with and for. He openly admits this; we talk about it very honestly on our workshops. Our journey together has been immense. When I first met Andy he was still (in his own words) a boy at the age of 41. He is now 48 and most definitely a man. When we first met, he was still susceptible to other woman flirting with him, he didn’t have clear boundaries, so although he was never unfaithful, he was very responsive to other women’s attention. This gave me a great deal of uncertainty. Now here’s how relationships work…

When he wasn’t in his masculine by having clear boundaries, I refused to be in my feminine because I became fearful and uncertain. This in turn brought out an even more stubborn side of him. The situation became chicken and egg… I told him I couldn’t become femininely vulnerable until he committed to me. He responded that he would not commit to me until I stopped reacting this way. I refused to stop reacting until I knew he had firm boundaries… and so the chicken vs. egg match went on. Sound familiar?

Many will walk away from such a situation. We didn’t. We chose to grow up instead. We knew we had been brought together for a reason, and we loved each other so much, but like so many, we just didn’t understand how to be together. This learning, self-awareness and growth is at the core of everything we teach. In fact, we would not be able to help others through their relationship issues had we not been through the same challenges ourselves. Our relationship became the most powerful workshop that either of us had ever attended. This growth and step-change in awareness is the very purpose of an intimate relationship, which then becomes the most fertile ground for spiritual growth.

Relationships have a much deeper purpose than simply finding someone who makes you happy. Your journey is in discovering that you create that happiness from the inside out. You bring it out in yourself, and you help to bring it out in your partner…

_MG_8083

Photo by Andrew Nicholson

When I became too exhausted to keep going around in circles with Andy, I decided to commit to myself as a woman instead. And instead of demanding he commit to me, I committed to becoming the best woman I could be. I changed my beliefs, I chose to start seeing the best in him, and I began communicating with him as if he was the most incredible Warrior on the planet. I stopped criticising him, and began admiring him and thanking him for all the good he did. I stepped fully into my own purpose as a woman, and in doing so, lost my fear of potentially losing him, because living my purpose meant that I found myself. My lack of fear of losing him meant he gained his freedom. The moment he had his freedom, he was 100% committed to me. It was chicken and egg again, but a totally liberating and different experience of it…. it took both of us to achieve this….

We showed up very differently in our relationship. The more femininely vulnerable I became, the stronger I became. All my anger melted away and my ‘edges’ softened, which allowed me to communicate with him in ways that brought him closer… my trust grew, because he had his freedom and absolutely refused to abuse it. His boundaries became absolute when I stopped demanding he have them. Only then does a man truly love a woman… when he has his freedom and chooses to stay.

And the reason we are both so passionate about others understanding this is because we know it works. We didn’t walk away and find another partner when we went through our challenges. We committed to one another, and experienced a totally different relationship… it was our attitudes and understanding that had to change. Instead of simply accusing him of being a boy and walking away, I became a woman.

Witnessing and experiencing the immense power a woman holds became the most incredible learning I ever had. I had never even remotely appreciated this before. The more lovingly I treated him, the more masculine he became. With his boundaries steadfast, I shifted from feeling threatened to feeling proud.  Quite frankly, the change in him from adolescent to man left me weak at the knees. The more he stepped up, the more I admired him… which made him want to step up even more. It is an incredible journey. He only has to look at me to send butterflies down my entire being… he taught me that I can let go, he taught me how to receive, he taught me that I can feel safe and protected with him. The amount we discovered as a team about what love really means is priceless.

I can tell you that this isn’t hard work. It’s the most fun any couple can have. To grow together in awareness of self and each other, to begin to understand the fundamental part that each of you play in how the relationship unfolds, and how the other shows up is such a gift. Only by taking charge of yourself and letting go of blame, can you attract a truly loving relationship.

I remember his turning point in our relationship… the very moment he became a man. Several years ago, he came home and I was tired and grumpy…  What he did next changed both of us forever. Instead of reacting, he stood tall, shoulders back and walked over to me. He gathered me in his arms and said ‘I am going to say something to you Diane, and I need you to hear me. I mean really hear me. OK? I love you; you have taught me more about unconditional love than anyone I have ever known. I am not going anywhere. I am here to stay.’

I melted in his arms. I didn’t need to reply. He was my Warrior. Whenever I have a bad day and feel at all unsure, he puts his arms around me and says ‘It’s OK, I’ve got you’. That’s all he needs to say. Our energies blossom around one another. Our love and passion has grown as we have, and our relationship gets stronger every year.

Wedding Hands

Our Wedding Day – September 2013

When it came to stepping up for me… he does this in every way. Last year, he bought us a house, one he had never been in, because he knew how much I loved that house. He moved 500 miles north to Inverness, a place he didn’t know, simply because he knew I loved that place. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. On our wedding day last September, the love flowing from his eyes as we read our vows to one another left me breathless. I thought I had already seen the best of him, but I was wrong. All of these actions were voluntary on his part. He wanted nothing more than my happiness and to protect me.

Andy says that he is inspired by me, his masculinity is not threatened by my own strength of character. I can be myself around him, as he can around me. So his choice to step up for me and protect me, is in no way a sign of weakness on my part, or a need to control me on his part.

The most beautiful thing about our relationship is that we practised, we learned how to dance with life together, combining the best of each of our masculine and feminine energies until it became our natural way of being.

There is one thing we have both realised – we needed one another to achieve this.

If you think about it, how could I have come to discover what feminine vulnerability really meant until I had his male energy to dance with mine, testing it, teasing it, occasionally stepping on my toes? The same applies for his masculinity…

So…

If you go on a date with someone you consider to be acting as an adolescent around you, then this is the perfect opportunity to begin practising how to use your femininity. It’s not about manipulating him. It’s about inspiring him. It’s not about you being weak. It’s about you being strong. It’s not about changing him. It’s about bringing out the best in him. If you walk away from every relationship, becoming angrier and angrier because men are not showing up for you, then the problem is that when a man is around a woman who is angry with men, he rarely feels inspired to show up. In fact, a healthy man simply won’t be attracted to, and stay around, an angry woman.

7644541652_3d65e57fb3_o (2)

Photo by Andrew Nicholson

It’s also important to remember that if you’re looking for a man who has already mastered his masculinity around women, then it’s very likely he’s already met the woman who has awakened this in him. This is why so many women feel that the good ones are already taken. So perhaps you could think of this in a different way…  why would any woman want to forgo this immense part of her own journey?

Because when a woman really gets this, then she loses all fear when it comes to relationships. She realises that there are incredible men in abundance out there…

And  yes, of course there are men who are always going to be players, just as there are women, and your emotional intelligence and intuition as a woman should let you know if there is any likelihood that he will ever step up. The way you determine whether to stay or go is to ask yourself this: Am I growing in this relationship, or am I dying? If it’s the latter, then leave. You will never be femininely vulnerable if you are exhausted and angry for a prolonged period of time. But pick up the mirror first… please… because when you acknowledge the part you play in how men show up around you, you empower yourself to change it. If you have enough self-awareness to know it’s not you, then make the right decision for yourself and leave.

A couple of months back I saw a TV advert for a Sunday newspaper headline where a famous glamour girl announced that every man she’d been with out had been a ‘boy’. She proudly said ‘Watch out boys, I’m telling all. The secret is out in tomorrow’s newspaper!’ All I can say is that apart from being horrified that this attitude towards men is growing so much in our culture, that if every man I dated chose to step down into ‘boy’ energy around me, then I would seriously pick up the mirror and take a really good look within. I noticed in that moment that I also felt glad that I don’t have a son… because if that’s what our future generations of men have to look forward to, then that is so sad.

I make it my personal responsibility to bring out the best in everyone I’m around; men and women alike. I do not flirt with men where false intention is given, absolutely not, I am happily married and they may be in a relationship, so that would be disrespectful to all involved, myself included. However, if a man doesn’t feel good about his masculinity when he’s in my company, then I take personal responsibility for that. He will consciously feel and unconsciously react to how I communicate with him.

For any ladies who bear a grievance against men in general, I have just one question. If you went on a date with a man who had major issues with women and felt they were all over-emotional and out to get what they could, would you want to go on a second date with him?

Of course not… but please be aware that this works both ways… why would a healthy male want to be around a woman who feels angry and resentful towards men?

Ladies, please don’t just tell men how they are failing us, because you are not fully serving yourself in doing so. Become the kind of woman a man would choose to become a Warrior for. Inspire him by inspiring yourself.

Andy responded to a facebook post the other day, which posed the following question to men – ‘What has been your biggest source of growth – your business or your relationship?’ His response was There’s no doubt that my relationship has caused the greatest growth and meaning. This is in no small way down to my wonderful wife’s love and holding the mirror up, holding me to account and encouraging me (like no other). I love you Diane.”

Embrace your power. It is immense!

Join our Relationship Insights Page on Facebook for many more insights on intimacy…

Exif_JPEG_PICTURE

Andy and Diane Nicholson

 
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>