Why relationships can be scary for women…

When a man chooses to step up and become fully present for the woman he loves, he reaps great rewards from the relationship. Likewise, if he chooses not to, he is likely to face some of the situations men want to run from most… until he does step up, that is.

When a man is not being entirely honest with a woman, she will generally pick up on this as an unsettled feeling within her, even though she may not be able to pinpoint exactly why she feels that way. A woman will sense his underlying motives over and above his words, and if something about the two don’t feel congruent to her, then her head and heart with go into battle as she tries to figure out what her amber warning signal is trying to tell her. When a woman ceases to trust her own intuition and thinking, it can result in a change in her behaviour.

A woman needs certainty in a relationship. By this I don’t mean that she becomes attached to the notion that the relationship must last forever. As much as we’d all love to have that kind of certainty, none of us can, and conversely, the attachment to it creates a fearful and very conditional energy which can bring about the exact opposite.

By certainty, I mean that he is fully present when he’s with her, congruent in his actions and words. He is present when she needs to talk. He listens to what she’s saying. He’s fully present when he’s making love with her, holding her and kissing her. He learns about her emotions, her likes, her dislikes. He takes notice, pays attention and makes an effort to meet her relationship needs. He is present in mind, body and soul when he’s with her… not simply present in body whilst focused on the telly or his mobile phone. It means his interactions with her leave her with no doubt that he cares.

When he is fully present, every interaction he has with her lets her know ‘I’ve got you’…  He lets her know the relationship is not all about serving himself, because he cares about serving her too. He’s also fully present and mindful of his relationship and his boundaries when he’s not with her.

When a woman feels this certainty, she surrenders to love and becomes fully present in the relationship.

Doing so means she has to become vulnerable. By vulnerable I mean strong enough to trust and surrender to the process of falling in love. This takes a huge amount of trust and can be very scary for a woman. Vulnerability in this sense doesn’t mean weak and submissive – not by a long way, in fact it’s quite the opposite. It’s being strong enough to be seen, to be open, for all that she is. Love leaves us feeling vulnerable, because it means we have to enter a place of deep trust with someone, it requires opening our heart to them, allowing them in. Doing so has the potential to hurt us. Therefore any fears or past hurt will tend to surface when a woman is determining whether the man she’s falling in love with is someone she can also become vulnerable with. This journey can be a roller coaster for a woman, but if he is fully present with her, his certainty will give her the strength she needs to let go and trust him fully. Once thing is certain, she cannot reach this place in a relationship without him playing a vital role in it.

If he is telling her he is fully committed to her, but his actions suggest otherwise, then she will question it. If he tells her she’s imagining it, or is reading too much into things, when her own inner-guidance is telling her otherwise, then a woman can descend into inner-turmoil.

You see, it’s not whether another woman flirts with him, it’s how he responds to another woman flirting with him.

If he has clear boundaries, then she will have certainty and will feel privileged to be the one he chooses to be with. If he doesn’t have clear boundaries, and responds in a way which suggests he is available to the other woman or responsive to her advances , then she won’t have certainty. The difference may be subtle to a man, but to a woman it’s everything. When she cannot trust him, his life will become a nightmare, because her inner-world becomes a nightmare too.

When a man has clear boundaries and his partner knows this, he will have a happy, trusting woman by his side. This in turn will provide him with a great deal of freedom and happiness within the relationship.

Conversely, if he doesn’t have clear boundaries, he will have a woman by his side who neither trusts nor respects him, who is unwilling to become fully present, because he has taught her that getting hurt is a likelihood. He won’t feel freedom, quite the opposite, because she is likely to question his every move as she searches for nuggets of certainty. Everything he is as a man will be reflected back to him through her. And yes, of course, it applies to women too…

There are two places that uncertainty can stem from within a relationship:-

  • One is from our own fears, limiting beliefs and past relationship hurt, which we project on to our partner in the form of mistrust because we don’t feel worthy enough of love. This can cause a woman to become jealous and possessive even when their partner is giving them no cause for concern.
  • The second stems from our partner’s behaviour, where our own intuition attempts to warn us that something really doesn’t feel congruent, even though he is saying that is not the case.

Both will wreak havoc within a relationship and stop a woman from stepping up to become fully present. Learning to determine the difference between which are fears and which is intuition is key. It’s the difference between turning your partner into a monster versus being intuitive enough to recognise one, and it’s one of the most empowering journeys a woman can take.

Relationships are one of our greatest sources of learning and growth. Yet how often does anyone want to take ownership for the part they play in how their partner shows up around them? Most are seeking a relationship that will soothe them, serve them, make them feel good… when in reality a relationship is simply not all about them.

If you are experiencing difficulties in your own relationship there is a way through. Male or female, we specialise in relationships, and we also offer a free half hour consultation. Contact us by email and we’ll arrange a time to chat.

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